


The Rise and Fall of @realkatsukiyuri

by cirruss, twineandhope



Series: Friends, Love, and Unfortunate Situations [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Arguments, But it's all right in the end, EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, I love that both of these are suggested tags, Illustrated, M/M, Phichit Chulanont Loves Social Media, Phichit Chulanont is a Little Shit, Phichit's social media skills are too powerful, Podfic Welcome, Social Media, Victor has no idea how to be a normal person, we promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 03:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14393781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cirruss/pseuds/cirruss, https://archiveofourown.org/users/twineandhope/pseuds/twineandhope
Summary: Or: Five Lives that Have Been Ruined by @realkatsukiyuri---“But I have an instagram!” Yuuri objected.“Do you, though?” Phichit said. “You have thirty followers, Yuuri. That’s not an instagram account, that’s a grandma’s photo album.”“Thirty-six! Well, thirty-three now. But that’s still better than a grandma’s photo album!”“My livestream of my yaai’s photo album got eight thousand likes.”---Phichit starts an instagram on Yuuri's behalf. Absolutely nothing goes according to plan.





	The Rise and Fall of @realkatsukiyuri

Yuuri scowled at his phone. He’d lost three more instagram followers since he last checked a few days ago. He scrolled through his follower list, trying to figure out who had unfollowed him. He paused as he reached the M’s. Where was Mari? Mari wouldn’t have unfollowed him. ... Would she? She obviously had. He pulled up his dial pad and entered her number.

She didn’t answer on the first try or the second, but on the third call she picked up just before it went to voicemail.

“Hi Yuuri,” she said.

Yuuri tried not to sound as hurt as he was feeling. “Mari, what did I do? I’m sorry for whatever it was. I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“Slow down, okay? What makes you think I’m mad at you?”

“You unfollowed me on instagram, I must have done something wrong.”

“What? No. I just like your other account better,” Mari said.

“Other account?”

“It’s really good. I’m impressed that you finally decided to join the twenty-first century and take your social media seriously.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t have another account.”

“Sure you do,” Mari said. “@realkatsukiyuri, right? You posted that Celestino retrospective earlier today.”

Yuuri searched for it. Sure enough, there was an account with that name, started yesterday. It already had more followers than Yuuri had ever had. He brought the phone back to his ear.

“That’s not me,” he said.

“Are you serious?” Mari’s voice raised in concern. “That’s … kind of creepy, actually. You might have a stalker or something.”

Yuuri wasn’t so sure – he doubted anyone would care enough to stalk him. Maybe they were trying to stalk Victor and had messed it up? Who would even do something like that? Wait. Hold on.

“It’s okay, Mari, I just realized, I know exactly who it is. No one’s stalking me.”

“That’s good then. But it’s still kind of creepy.”

“It’s fine. This isn’t the first time that this kind of thing has happened.”

“You know that makes it worse, right? It’s worse.”

“It’s fine. I’ll call you back later.” 

“Sure. Good luck with your not-stalker. I’ll follow you again when I get off the phone.”

“Thanks. Bye Mari.” 

“Bye.” 

Yuuri hung up. 

He frowned as he thumbed the Call Phichit shortcut. Phichit answered before the end of the first ring. “Hi Yuuri!” he carolled. “What’s up?”

“Why are you pretending to be me on instagram?” Yuuri asked.

“I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I tried to deny it?” Phichit offered hopefully.

Yuuri didn’t bother to respond out loud.

“Well, it was worth a shot,” Phichit said. “I guess you had to find out sooner or later.”

“But why?”

“As you know, my instagram has peaked. It’s the perfect blend of cuteness, witty banter, national pride, and raw charm. I need a new challenge. And what could be more challenging than performing social media CPR on the most distressingly underrepresented presence in the figure skating world? This will be my Everest.”

“But I have an instagram!” Yuuri objected.

“Do you, though? You have thirty followers, Yuuri. That’s not an instagram account, that’s a grandma’s photo album.”

“Thirty-six! Well, thirty-three now. But that’s still better than a grandma’s photo album!”

“My livestream of my yaai’s photo album got eight thousand likes.”

“Yeah, well, that’s you. No one wants to see my pictures.”

“Check my follower count, Yuuri. They clearly do. Your fans are falling over themselves with joy right now.”

“I seriously doubt that.”

–––

Minami managed to catch the railing and only tumbled halfway down the stairs. He pulled himself to his feet, already scrolling to the next picture on @realkatsukiyuri’s feed. 

The initial photos formed a retrospective, starting when Yuuri moved to Detroit and working forward through time. What a great way to introduce his new instagram! Minami resolved to look through his own photos so he could do the same thing. On top of that, the pictures were fantastic. Was Yuuri just great at everything? Probably. 

Minami refreshed the feed. A VIDEO! He squeaked with excitement and hit play. It was one of Yuuri’s early free skates; Minami had watched this program a thousand times, but this was a new angle!

His foot came down on nothing as he missed the next stair. He let out a shriek, landing hard on his butt and sliding down the rest of the steps. Ouch. It was okay though, his phone wasn’t damaged. He sat at the bottom and watched through to the end of the video.

–––

Yuuri’s problem, Phichit decided, was that he took things way too seriously. He was blowing this whole instagram thing way out of proportion. And the idea that no one wanted to see pictures of him was patently ridiculous. He just needed a better image, and that’s exactly what Phichit was going to provide. 

“Come on, Yuuri,” Phichit said, “give yourself some credit. Give me some credit! Any instagram I make is going to be a tremendous hit. It’s just a fact.”

Yuuri huffed.

“This’ll be good for you,” Phichit bent down next to his hamster cage, putting himself at eye level with Tamarind, Pandan, and Pocky. Yuuri wasn’t going to listen, so he’d explain it to them. “More publicity means more sponsors. And more people coming into town to support the onsen! If you’d just send me some pictures from Japan, I could–”

“No way,” Yuuri rejected this instantly, “I’m not helping you steal my identity. Again. Do it yourself.”

Phichit didn’t say anything in response. He figured Yuuri would know that he was sulking dramatically.

“I hope your fans like pictures of me in Detroit,” Yuuri said, “because that’s all you’re getting.”

“That’s a good point,” Phichit allowed, winking at the hamsters, “but I’ve got a plan.”

“Just a sec– Oh, my mum’s on call waiting,” Yuuri said. “Mari must have told her about this. I have to go convince her I’m not being stalked. Talk to you later.”

“By-ye!” Phichit ended the call. 

He opened twitter and sent off a DM. The reply came a few seconds later.

**phichit+chu** : Can I ask a favor? It’s for Yuuri

**v-nikiforov** : hi!!! youre yuuris friend from detroit!! absolutely!!!!! (Grinning Face) 

**phichit+chu** : I need pictures of Yuuri (Camera) (Camera with Flash)   
**phichit+chu** : Good pictures of Yuuri (Camera) (Heart)   
**phichit+chu** : All your pictures of Yuuri (Camera) (Eyes) (Camera) 

**v-nikiforov** : sure!!!!! (Heart Eyes) (Kiss with Heart)   
**v-nikiforov** : https://www.dropbox.com/sh/bg029ie3ilp7tmv/AACS8w_z8davs-CfDAAPoG_tm

**phichit+chu** : Great, thanks! (Raised Hands) 

**v-nikiforov** : ill set it to upload straight from my phone (Grinning Face) (Grinning Face) (Grinning Face) (Grinning Face)   
**v-nikiforov** : so check back for more (Winky Face) (Kiss with Heart) (Winky Face) 

**phichit+chu** : Perfect (Sunglasses Face)   
**phichit+chu** : You are a hero to the Katsuki Yuuri fandom (Praying Hands) 

**v-nikiforov** : i always was!!! (Smirking Face) (Blushing Face) (Kiss with Heart) (Kiss with Heart) 

**phichit+chu** : True  
**phichit+chu** : Moreso (Party Popper) 

**v-nikiforov** : yeah (Smiling Blushing Face) (Smiling Blushing Face) (Smiling Blushing Face) 

**phichit+chu** : Okay thanks again  
**phichit+chu** : Follow @realkatsukiyuri

**v-nikiforov** : (Thumbs Up)!!!

Phichit held up the conversation for the hamsters to see. “Mission accomplished!” 

He downloaded the folder, which contained more than a thousand photos, and pulled up one to appraise. Good lighting, nice angle, clear framing. He swiped through a few more. They were all that good. Phichit held up a particularly nice one for his hamsters.

“These are outstanding,” he told them. “Victor is a gift.”

–––

_“I am a gift,”_ Victor told himself, scrolling through the new photos – his photos – on @realkatsukiyuri. _“These are outstanding!”_ He slipped the phone into his pocket and reached for his wallet, taking care not to dislodge any of the many bags slung over his arms. It had been a fantastic day of shopping, but it was getting late, so Victor paid for his purchases (three pairs of shoes and a cashmere sweater) and turned homeward. As he strolled down the street, he made a point to greet passersby, occasionally stopping to smile for – or pose with – anyone who wanted photos. His phone dinged; Chris was texting him.

**Sexiboi** :  
VICTOR  
VICTOR  
WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME  
I’m honestly a little offended  
Withholding important information  
Smh

**Victor** :  
i probably forgot (Grinning Face with Sweat Drop) (Face without Mouth) (Thinking Face)   
i can tell you now (Smiling Blushing Face) 

**Sexiboi** :  
Too late  
I found it on my own

**Victor** :  
great!!! (Hugging Face)   
what are we talking about???? (Eyes) 

**Sexiboi** :  
Yuuri’s new insta  
Obviously

**Victor** :  
ITS TERRIFIC!!!!!  
(Heart Eyes) (Wink with Tongue Out) (Cat Face with Heart Eyes) (Fireworks) (Raised Hands) (Praying Hands) (Two Hearts) (Shiny Heart) 

**Sexiboi** :  
I KNOW  
THAT ASS

**Victor** :  
oh i know!!!! (Heart Eyes) (Kiss with Heart) (Heart Eyes) (Raised Hands) (Heart Eyes) (Peach) (Peach) (Flame) 

Victor glanced up from his phone to check where he was going. He grinned and stopped walking, delighted, as he caught sight of a gorgeous flower stall. Amazing! _“These flowers are so beautiful,”_ Victor thought, _“just like my Yuuri! I’ll get him some!”_

He’d spent most of the day seeing wonderful things he’d like to give to Yuuri, but he'd bought none of them, having been forbidden from spontaneously buying Yuuri any more jewellery, electronics, clothing (even accessories! Victor had tried to explain that those couldn’t properly be considered clothing, but Yuuri was adamant), or anything that cost over 30,000 rubles. But flowers were allowed! Victor searched through the bouquets, looking for the biggest and most perfect one.

“Can you combine these three?” Victor asked the shopkeeper, pointing. She nodded and began arranging the flowers into a single bundle. Victor’s phone dinged again.

**Sexiboi** :  
OH WOW  
THERE’S NEW ONES  
VICTOR  
VICTOR  
GO LOOK  
VICTOR  
GO LOOK  
VICTOR  
(Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) 

Sure enough, Phichit had posted more pictures. It was a series Victor had taken when he visited Yuuri’s ballet studio. He gasped at one with Yuuri in leggings and a tight shirt; his leg was stretched over his head. How did Victor not already have a framed copy of this in every room of his house? He hurried away down the street, flowers forgotten, eyes locked on the photo. He had to get home to his beautiful and extremely flexible fiancé as soon as possible.

Suddenly Victor found himself on the ground, his precious bags scattered around him in troubling disarray. Where had that pole even come from? His face was throbbing where it had collided with the pole. He momentarily feared for the life of his Armani jacket, but no, he didn’t seem to have a nosebleed.

Victor stood and moved to rescue his bags. He checked his phone screen for cracks, frowning at the picture of Yuuri still displayed on the screen. The photo had betrayed him! The real Yuuri would never let him walk into a pole. Real Yuuri would get him an ice pack and coo over how brave he was. Picking up the last bag, he hurried on. He couldn’t wait to get home. Yuuri would be so happy to see him!

–––

Yuuri heard the jangle of keys in the door – Victor was home. Yuuri was not happy to see him. Makkachin ran to the door, barking in excitement.

Victor came through the doorway smiling, somehow managing to maintain his balance with both arms full of bags and sixty pounds of poodle leaping onto him. He pulled a dog toy out of one of the bags and tossed it across the room. Makkachin bounded after it and started chewing happily.

“My Yuuri!” Victor called. “I missed you so much! Come see the clothes I bought!”

Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to speak. He gave an uncertain wave, then looked down to fidget with his phone, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his chest.

“Yuuri! My clothes! Come see!” 

Yuuri shrugged unhappily. “I’m not really in the mood for a fashion show.”

“That's ridiculous. What do you want to see first?” He lifted his arms to display the many bags.

Yuuri shrugged again and pointed to a bag at random. He felt sick.

Victor reached for the bag, but stopped mid-gesture, seeming to really see Yuuri for the first time since he got home. “What’s wrong?” He shed his bags and sat down beside Yuuri on the couch, putting a hand on Yuuri’s forehead to check for fever. His look of extreme concern might have been funny under other circumstances. Yuuri brushed his hand away.

“I’m just tired. It’s late.” It wasn’t a lie, exactly; it had been a pretty bad day and Yuuri was exhausted.

“Is that all? You seemed like maybe–”

“Why don’t you want to see me anymore?” Yuuri blurted.

Victor looked shocked. “What?”

“You–” Yuuri was halted by a ding from Victor’s phone. He paused, thrown off, then started over, “I–” Victor’s phone went off again. Yuuri gestured at Victor’s pocket. “Do you need to get that?”

“Nah, it’s just Chris,” Victor said. The phone dinged again. “But, what were you saying?” (ding!) “Why would I” (ding!) “possibly not want” (ding!) “to see you?”

“It’s probably” (ding!) “stupid. It’s just that” (ding!) “I” (ding! ding!) “–do you think he’s okay?”

Victor pulled the phone out of his pocket and glanced at it, then held it up to show Yuuri.

**Sexiboi** :  
WOW  
(Eggplant) (Wink with Tongue Out) (Eggplant) (Eggplant)   
(Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant)   
(Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Cherries) (Eggplant) (Eggplant)   
OH MY GOD  
(Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant) (Eggplant)   
DID YOU SEE THOUGH  
VICTOR  
VICTOR  
VICTOR

“He’s fine,” Victor said.

Yuuri tried to collect his (ding!) thoughts. How could he (ding!) possibly explain to Victor (ding!) that (ding! ding! ding!)– “VICTOR, PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.”

Victor fiddled with the phone, then held it up for Yuuri to see. “Airplane mode. Okay?”

Yuuri took a second to collect himself. “Thank you.”

“So, what’s going on?”

“...You don't want to see my instagram anymore. I understand – I’m not really sure why anyone even follows me at all – but with you, I just thought… I don’t understand. What did I do?”

“Of course I want to see you! I’m still following you!”

Yuuri pulled up his follower list and scrolled to the bottom. He held it up accusingly. “You aren’t.”

“Well, I’m still following your other account. That has way more pictures of you anyways.”

“I don’t have another–” Yuuri buried his face in his hands as realization hit him. He’d spent all day sick with worry over this, and it was a stupid misunderstanding. He nearly cried with relief, and resolved to kill Phichit at the next available opportunity.

“That's not my real account,” Yuuri said. “That's a fake account that Phichit made because he's decided I 'need help’ with social media.”

“I know.”

The bottom dropped out of Yuuri’s world again. “But you unfollowed me.”

“Well, yeah. The instagram you run for yourself is terrible. I’d say it looks like a drunk baboon taught you how to take photos, except it’s very clear that no one has ever taught you anything at all about photography.”

Yuuri felt like all the air had gone out of the room. He held his head in both hands. He couldn’t even look at Victor.

“The last thing you posted was a picture of a shoe,” Victor continued. “An ugly picture. Of a boring shoe! Terrible.”

Yuuri had really liked that picture of a shoe. He thought it was artistic. Who’d died and made Victor king of photography?

“Honestly,” Victor said, “it was a little embarrassing to be associated with it at all. But it’s okay now! The new one is great!”

“It’s not ‘the new one’!” Yuuri found he couldn’t keep his voice down. “There is no new one! I only have one instagram account, and you unfollowed it to follow Phichit instead! Just admit you like him better than me!”

“I don’t see why you’re so upset. Your instagram is objectively terrible. What else was I going to do?”

“I can’t do this right now. You know what, you can sleep on the couch with your new fiancé @realkatsukiyuri. I’m sure you two will be very happy together.” Yuuri stormed off into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the bed and started to cry.

–––

Makkachin crept out from his Very Secret hiding spot under the kitchen stool. Dad and Squishy Dad had stopped yelling. That was Good. He bounded into the living room, nuzzling Dad for pats. The pats were not as enthusiastic as usual? Something was Wrong. Makka nuzzled Dad more, being Extra Cute to cheer him up. He did not seem cheered? Makkachin whined, not sure what to do next. 

His ears perked up. There were Noises coming from the bedroom? Perhaps that was what was bothering Dad. Makka hurried over to Investigate. The door was closed, but after a minute of scratching and barking, Squishy Dad arrived to let him in. Good! Makka searched every corner of the room, alert for Danger. The Noises were coming from Squishy Dad, who was curled up on the bed making distressed whining sounds. He was in Trouble! Makka leapt onto the bed and started licking his face. At first Squishy Dad giggled and hugged him, but after a moment he went back to crying. Makka snuggled in and gave a bark of reassurance. He was a Good Dog, and he would make Squishy Dad feel better.

After a few minutes Squishy Dad got up and started getting ready for bed. Makka wagged his tail. Snuggle time! He hurried to the living room to fetch Dad.

Dad sat staring at the door to the bedroom. He hadn’t moved from where Makka had left him. He still seemed upset? Makka tried to nudge him to get up, but Dad just shook his head and stayed where he was. Squishy Dad closed the door.

A terrible thought occurred to Makka. Had Dad been Banished for Crimes? Makkachin was Banished for Crimes once, after he ate a shoe. It was a good shoe, but it was not worth an entire night without any Snuggles. Poor Dad!

Another, more terrible thought. If Dad was Banished For Crimes, then Makka could not sleep in the bed with both Dad and Squishy Dad. He ran back and forth in panic between the couch and the door to the bedroom, barking frantically, but neither Dad nor Squishy Dad made any move to fix things. Eventually, he gave up. There was no solution. He was going to have to choose which dad to sleep with.

What would a Good Dog do? He felt bad for Dad – Banished For Crimes was no fun. But Squishy Dad also seemed very distressed. No answers there. Well, Makka hadn't eaten any shoes this time, and Squishy Dad was much squishier than Dad. He went to the bedroom door and pawed at it, whining, until Squishy Dad finally came and opened it for him. Makkachin hopped onto the bed with Squishy Dad, tail barely wagging. Only one Snuggle? Pitiful. But it was all there was. He huffed sadly and settled in to sleep.

–––

Victor rolled over, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. He was much too tall for the couch, but that shouldn’t have been an issue. He’d once fallen asleep on the ice after practice. Victor could sleep anywhere. Usually.

The couch wasn’t the problem. Victor’s thoughts kept circling back to the look on Yuuri’s face when he’d left the room. His Yuuri should never have to be that upset. It always seemed so wrong to see that beautiful face twisted with distress, and this time it was Victor’s fault. He had to do something.

Victor was a five time world champion; if he could break his own records time and time again, he could find a way to fix this. He got up from the couch and walked to the bedroom. His knock on the door was tentative, but when Yuuri didn’t respond he knocked louder. Was Yuuri asleep or ignoring him? Victor opened the door a crack and stuck his head in.

“Yuuuuuuurrrrriiiii,” he called – quietly, so as not to wake Makkachin. Yuuri snuffled and rolled over. “Yuuri!”

The light of Victor’s life sat up and rubbed his eyes, bleary with sleep. “Victor?”

“Can we talk?”

Yuuri nodded, stifling a yawn. “In the living room? I don’t want to wake Makka.”

They walked back to the living room and settled onto the couch. Victor’s heart hurt when Yuuri sat apart from him – almost at the other end of the couch – but that was why he was here. To fix this.

“I’m sorry,” Victor began. “I’m not sure what I did wrong, but I really am sorry. I want to make it right.”

Yuuri watched him with red-rimmed eyes but didn’t say anything.

“Was it something about ... thinking I don’t want to look at you?” Victor asked.

Yuuri jerked his head in a small nod.

“But Yuuri, that’s crazy, you know that right? You’re my katsudon. You’ve had me entangled in your egg from the start.”

One edge of Yuuri’s mouth turned up in the ghost of a smile.

“I love looking at you. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”

“I don’t care if you think I take bad photos,” Yuuri said. “I know I’m not good at it. I just liked knowing that you were thinking about me. Your life is so busy and glamorous, you must forget all about me as soon as I’m not around. I’m not mad, it makes sense, but it was nice to think that you’d see my photos and be reminded that I still exist every once in a while.”

Victor stared at him incredulously. “Yuuri! I think about you all the time. I spent all day today restraining myself from buying things I thought you’d like because I wasn’t allowed to, and then I was going to get you flowers because I saw them and they were beautiful and I thought, ‘Just like my Yuuri’ but then I got distracted by a picture of you and forgot. Very distracted! I walked into a pole.”

Yuuri snickered. “You really walked into a pole?” He sounded hopeful.

“So mean! You’re supposed to get me an ice pack and tell me how brave I am.”

“And … you were going to get me flowers?”

“Of course! Maybe if I’d gotten them we wouldn’t even have had this fight.”

Yuuri shrugged, but he scooted closer on the couch. 

“Tell me more about how beautiful you think I am.”

“Oh Yuuri, you’re stunning.” Victor put his finger under Yuuri’s chin and turned Yuuri’s face toward his. He looked deep into his eyes. “Every time I see you, I’m blown away. The way your eyes sparkle, the shape of your smile, the cute way your hair always looks a little mussed … and don’t even get me started on your butt.”

Yuuri smiled then, and Victor’s heart melted with joy. Yuuri leaned in so their foreheads were touching, then tilted his head down for a kiss. 

“So you’ll follow me again?”

Victor heroically suppressed a wince. “Of course! And ...” Victor hesitated, then resolved to make whatever sacrifices it took to make Yuuri feel better. “... Do I need to unfollow Phichit too?” he asked.

Yuuri was quiet for a moment. Finally, he gave a little smile and said, “That’s okay. I guess it’s a good thing if you like looking at pictures of me. That’s what I wanted anyway, right?”

“Exactly!” Victor enthused. 

“You don’t have to sound quite so relieved about it.” Yuuri rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling.

Victor shrugged unapologetically. “You look amazing, and I want to look at as many photos of you as possible. I can’t possibly have enough.”

“You want more pictures of me?” Yuuri’s smile finally reached his eyes.

“Oh definitely. As many as possible.”

Yuuri reached into Victor’s pocket and handed Victor’s phone to him with a shy smile. Victor grinned hugely. He kissed Yuuri again, then scampered off the couch to get a better angle.

Yuuri tilted his head to the side and flashed a peace sign at Victor. The pose looked awkward, like Yuuri always looked when he knew people were paying attention to him. This wouldn’t do. He was so radiant when he wasn't self-conscious. How to get him out of his head?

“Do Eros for me,” Victor encouraged, adjusting the settings on his phone camera. Yuuri stood, raising his arms into the pose he ended his skate with. “Amazing! Fantastic!” Victor effused, moving around the room to snap photos from different angles.

Many poses later, Victor paused, the corners of his mouth turning down in a small frown. “You look incredible! Fantastic! ... But … it’s not _perfect_.”

Yuuri shot Victor a worried look. Victor put on his most innocent expression. “There’s just … something … _blocking_ these from being ideal.” He put a finger to his lips in mock thoughtfulness. “Something _in the way_.”

Yuuri just looked baffled. Victor reached forward and tugged on the fabric of Yuuri’s shirt. “There’s just … _something_ …”

Yuuri’s face lit with dawning comprehension. “You think?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“Oh definitely. If only there were some way to solve this problem…”

Yuuri smiled _(his smile was so beautiful! Wow!)_ and reached down to grab the hem of his shirt. He fixed eyes with Victor and started slowly raising his arms.

Victor flew into action, taking as many pictures as possible. Yuuri got his shirt off and tossed it at Victor, who didn’t dodge in time and had to spend a few precious seconds detangling himself from the shirt instead of taking more photos. He laughed and threw it across the room.

Yuuri moved closer and draped his arms over Victor’s shoulders. “Victor,” he murmured, his voice low and sultry. He leaned in for a kiss. 

Victor backed out of the way. “No time for that,” he announced. “I want more pictures! Get back over there.”

Yuuri laughed and kissed him lightly before obligingly returning to his pose. “So, is this better?”

“So much better! Fantastic! But …” Victor shrugged and gestured toward Yuuri’s legs, “... something still isn’t right.”

Yuuri raised his eyebrows again. 

“It’s a purely aesthetic consideration,” Victor explained with exaggerated innocence. “Your pants don’t match the colour scheme for the rest of the room.”

Yuuri returned Victor’s serious expression. “Well, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of your vision.”

“You can’t argue with colour theory,” Victor said reasonably.

“I guess not.” Yuuri undid his pants and slid them down his hips. 

_“Wow,”_ thought Victor, taking a step back to improve the framing of his shots. _“Apologies are seriously underrated.”_

–––

Makkachin woke up to find himself in an empty bed. Where was Squishy Dad? No Snuggles at all! He heard noises from the other room, and trotted over to Investigate.

Squishy Dad stood in front of the couch, naked; his clothes were strewn around the room. Dad hovered nearby, holding the Shiny Square in his hand. Every so often he’d touch it and it would make a clicking sound and produce a flash of light. Makkachin pawed at the floor in annoyance. The Shiny Square was a waste of time – that hand could be put to much better use patting the head of a Certain Very Good Boy.

On the bright side, Squishy Dad seemed much happier now. He kept laughing and waving his hands. Dad was laughing too. Gradually, Dad and Squishy Dad stopped laughing, and started to look at each other very Intent. Like when Makka saw a squirrel! Dad put down the Shiny Square and leaned over Squishy Dad, who grabbed his lapels and pulled him down onto the couch. They smushed their faces together and Squishy Dad started pulling off Dad’s clothes.

Perhaps Squishy Dad was helping Dad get ready for bed? But they got all the clothes off and did not go to bed. Instead, they moved their hands over each other. Pats? It wasn’t quite that, though. They were making the same Strange Noises that Makka had often heard through the bedroom door. He cocked his head in interest; he’d always wondered what those noises meant. But this just raised as many questions as it answered.

Suddenly Makkachin remembered: he had come out here for a Reason. It seemed that Dad was not Banished for Crimes any more? Which meant Makka could get proper Snuggles! He hurried over and started nuzzling the two of them to let them know he was ready for Snuggles. Squishy Dad shrieked and they both rolled off the couch, landing on the floor with a thud. Dad started shouting too. It was time for Loud? Makkachin barked enthusiastically.

Makkachin’s dads seemed upset for some reason? Luckily, they had a Certain Very Good Boy here to Protect them. While Makka searched the room for Danger, Dad helped Squishy Dad up and they headed to the bedroom. 

After a thorough search, Makka determined the living room to be free of Danger. He hurried to the bedroom, but they had accidentally closed the door with Makka on the wrong side? Wait. There were more Strange Noises coming from inside. Dad and Squishy Dad were having Door-Closed-No-Makkachin-Time. He settled down in front of the door to wait. After Door-Closed-No-Makkachin-Time Dad and Squishy Dad were always very sleepy and ready for Snuggles!

After he had waited for a Very Very Too Long Time, the Strange Noises stopped, and Makkachin leapt up, ready to be let in. He waited patiently for as long as he could. Maybe they didn't remember that he was still outside? He’d better alert them of their mistake.

“Hey dad hey dad hey dad hey dad,” Makkachin barked, “you forgot me you forgot me you forgot me you forgot me!”

No one answered. They must not have heard? Makka barked louder. He was barking as loud as he could! Where was Dad? 

The door finally opened, but instead of letting him in, Dad told him to stop barking and sent him away. Dad went back into the room and closed the door behind him. 

Makka stared at the door, trying to comprehend what had happened. He had been left outside the bedroom … not by mistake? On purpose? That made no sense. Unless … Makkachin whined in horror. BANISHED FOR CRIMES.

It was too awful to be true. He waited at the door for a long time, hoping they would change their minds, but eventually he got too sleepy. He slunk back to the living room and settled onto his pillow, mind racing. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t eaten a single shoe this time! All he’d wanted was to fetch his dads for Snuggles, and now he was Banished and there would be No Snuggles At All. 

Makkachin lay awake for a long time, desolate. He was a Good Dog! Where had it all gone wrong?

–––

Minami beamed at his phone; @realkatsukiyuri had posted new pictures! He scrolled through them, liking each one and commenting on his favourites (which turned out to be all of them. Oops!). Upon reaching the end, he went back to look more closely at a picture of Yuuri and Phichit at a restaurant in Detroit. Yuuri was eating French toast, and the caption mentioned that it was his favourite American breakfast food! Well, Minami had been wondering what to make for dinner. (He’d be cooking for himself for another week, until his parents got back from their trip.) He headed for the kitchen.

Minami refreshed instagram. Some friends had visited the zoo, but he could look at that later. There was nothing new from @realkatsukiyuri, so he pulled up a French toast recipe on his phone. He collected the ingredients, then started breaking eggs into a bowl. He hummed the Yuri on Ice theme as he worked, pausing frequently to check the recipe and make sure he was doing it right. He’d picked his recipe from an American website, and the English was proving tricker than he’d expected, but Minami wanted to get this right. Real authentic American French toast, like Yuuri ate. 

He danced over to the stove and turned it on. He dropped a pat of butter into a pan and put it over the burner to melt on low heat. The fire alarm shrilled a frantic warning.

“Nothing is on fire!” he chided it, pulling out a chair so he could reach it to take out the batteries. “You don’t have to freak out every time I try to cook.”

Minami danced back to the counter and picked up his phone. No new instagram pictures. Okay, what was the next French toast step?

A few minutes later, Minami stood by the stove with a bowl of eggy bread slices. The butter sizzled as he dropped in the first piece of French toast, and the room filled with the smell of cinnamon. The recipe said to cook it for three minutes on each side, or until the edges firmed up and turned golden brown. He took a picture of the sizzling pan for his twitter.

He refreshed instagram and squeaked with joy. A new video! “Practicing interview questions with the incomparable @phichit+chu. #detroit #bestfriend #skating #interview #practice #behindthemagic” Minami hit play. 

The video came into focus on a shot of Yuuri on the couch in his and Phichit’s Detroit apartment. Phichit draped a loose tie around Yuuri’s neck and adjusted the camera with his other hand. Yuuri waved his hands in front of the lens.

“Phichit, turn that off! It’ll just make me nervous! I thought the point of this was for me to be less anxious?”

“We’re modeling realistic conditions, Yuuri. There’s gonna be way more cameras than this at the interview.”

Minami vibrated with excitement. This video was basically like a secret interview that Minami had never seen before! He couldn’t wait to see what Phichit was going to ask.

On screen, Yuuri shrugged in resignation. Phichit grinned at him, then cleared his throat and adjusted an imaginary tie.

“We’re here today with gold medal winner Yuuri Katsuki–”

“Stop that! I’m not going to win!”

“–heh HEM, gold medal winner Yuuri Katsuki, who’s going to tell us a little bit about his performance here today. You executed your routine flawlessly, and the crowd and the judges loved every second. So tell me, to what extent do you ascribe the entirety of your remarkable success to your best friend and rinkmate, Phichit Chulanot?”

“Well… I’d have to say… uh …” Yuuri faltered.

Phichit flashed a thumbs up and gestured for him to keep going.

“Well, uh, Phichit has certainly been, um, a part of my, you know, success, but I’d, uh, I’d have to say my real top supporter is my dog Vicchan, who, uh, has stuck with me through thick and thin, and never steals the soup I left in the fridge for lunch.”

Minami giggled. In the video, Phichit threw a pillow at Yuuri, which he ducked.

“Okay, moving on…” Phichit continued the mock interview, gradually drawing Yuuri out. Minami became distantly aware of the smell of something burning. On the screen, Phichit sat up straighter and adjusted his imaginary tie.

“All right, on to the hard-hitting questions,” he said, flipping through imaginary cue cards. His expression turned serious. “Mr. Katsuki, how many marshmallows can you fit into your mouth at the same time?”

Yuuri fidgeted. “Maybe… six?”

“I KNEW IT!” Phichit leapt to his feet, pointing at Yuuri with a look of vindication. “I knew you were cheating at the marshmallow eating contest! ‘Seven marshmallows’, pffft. ‘Ate another one while I wasn’t looking’, pfffffft. I knew it!”

Minami gasped aloud. Yuuri would never cheat!

“Or, uh, maybe it was seven?” Yuuri suggested.

Phichit sat down and readjusted his imaginary tie. “Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: legendary figure skater Yuuri Katsuki is a huge cheater and Phichit totally won the marshmallow eating contest, fair and square. Okay, next question.”

Minami blinked and rubbed his stinging eyes. He was too excited to focus – or maybe the air was getting hazy? He held the phone closer to his face.

Phichit continued, “Yuuri, you mentioned your dog, Vicchan, while you were throwing your very best friend and greatest supporter Phichit Chulanot under the bus in your answer to an earlier question. The people need to know: what is the cutest thing that Vicchan has ever done?”

Minami squeaked in excitement, though it turned into a cough. Vicchan had been the greatest dog in the world! What would Yuuri say?

In the video, Yuuri sat up a little straighter, looking excited himself. “Everything Vicchan does is adorable, but when he was a puppy he figured out that he could beg for scraps from visitors to the onsen, and he started doing circuits of the room around dinner time, trying to get every single guest to feed him. It took us weeks to figure out why he never seemed hungry for his dinner.”

“Very adorable,” Phichit agreed.

“Oh, that’s not the cutest thing,” Yuuri said, “that’s just the introduction. You see–” 

Minami doubled over in a coughing fit. He managed to hit pause on the video before he missed too much, but he’d have to go back a few seconds. He just needed to stop coughing so he could hear the rest of it. That was easier said than done, so Minami decided to go get his headphones from upstairs. He looked up from the phone for the first time in several minutes.

Oh. A torrent of fire rose from the pan on the stove, billowing black smoke into the air. The ceiling was caked with soot, and the wood countertop next to the stove was smouldering alarmingly. Minami glanced from the fire to the still of Yuuri and back again. He reluctantly put the phone in his pocket.

After several frantic minutes of searching, Minami retrieved a fire extinguisher from a hook in the back of the hall closet. He read over the instructions, carefully memorizing the steps, then hurried back to the kitchen to carry out the actual extinguishing.

He pulled the pin and aimed the nozzle at the base of the fire, coating the entire stove in a thick layer of foam. The fire had spread to the counters, so he sprayed them too, blinking hard through watering eyes. When he was sure the fire was well and truly out, Minami edged around the sea of foam and leaned over to open the kitchen window to let the smoke out. The cupboards were coated in foam, so he went to the bathroom to get a glass of water.

Once he had his coughing under control, Minami pulled out his phone to take a selfie with the stove.

Minami regarded the wreck of the kitchen. His parents were going to kill him when they heard about this. Deciding he couldn’t face them just yet, he ordered takeout and started cleaning up as best he could. He’d call them early tomorrow to tell them the bad news. He sighed. Tomorrow was not going to be a good morning.

–––

Victor woke up, stretching his arms over his head with a smile. What a fantastic morning! His beautiful fiancé, the love of his life, lay beside him, face smushed adorably into the pillow. He was drooling sweetly, hair fetchingly askew.

“Good morning, darling!” Victor shook his arm.

Yuuri mumbled something charmingly incoherent and swatted him away. Right, he always forgot that Yuuri didn’t like to be bothered in the mornings. Victor kissed him gently on the forehead (eliciting another half-hearted grumble) and slipped out of bed. 

He checked his phone for messages, but he didn’t seem to have any. Oh right – it was still on airplane mode. He switched cell service back on, and more than a dozen notifications popped up. He swiped them away and went on instagram to see what Phichit had posted overnight. The new photos were terrific! It was a mix of photos from Detroit and ones Victor had sent him, including a very cute one from yesterday morning. Good to know that the automatic uploads were working. He stuck the phone in his pocket.

Today was going to be a fantastic day. Victor would make breakfast for Yuuri, who would be effervescent with gratitude, and then he could finally show off his new clothes. He padded out of the room, gently closing the door behind him.

Victor was nearly bowled over by a sudden whirlwind of excited dog as Makkachin bounded up and leapt on him. He spent the next several minutes enthusiastically patting him, and apologizing for kicking him out of the room last night. Eventually, Makkachin barked and led Victor to his food bowl. He nodded thanks for the reminder to get started on breakfast. 

Victor poured food into Makka’s bowl, then headed for the kitchen. After flipping the switch on the espresso machine to start warming up the water, he reached for the jar of coffee beans. It was empty, with a note attached:

“Dear Victor,  
Remember to buy more beans next time you go out!!!!  
Love, Victor  
<3 <3 <3”

… Oops. He closed the cupboard and another note fell off the cupboard door:

“Victor,  
Would you mind picking up some coffee beans, please?  
<3 Yuuri” 

Now that he thought about it, Victor also vaguely remembered seeing a bean-related reminder notification pop up on his phone yesterday, but at just that moment he’d spotted a truly stunning cashmere scarf, and he’d swiped the message away immediately to text Chris about the scarf.

So there was no coffee. Poor Yuuri! He hated mornings at the best of times, and the lack of coffee was not going to help. Victor would just have to make the rest of the breakfast extra amazing to make up for it. And besides, Yuuri would cheer right up when he saw how incredible Victor’s new clothes were. He’d be delighted!

Victor spent the next half hour putting together a terrific breakfast, and went to get Yuuri. On his way in, he collected a note that simply read “COFFEE” that was stuck to the bedroom door, and tucked it in the pocket of his robe.

“Yuuri!” he called. “Time to wake up!”

Yuuri didn’t respond.

“Yuuri! I have breakfast!” he enticed. “And new clothes to show you!”

Yuuri didn’t respond.

“I made you an egg white omelette with broccoli and mushrooms, and fruit salad, and toast, and there wasn’t any coffee but–”

Yuuri opened his eyes a crack, then seemed to think better of it, throwing up a hand to shield his face from the light. “Coffee?” he asked hopefully.

“Well, we’re out of coffee, but I have clothes to show you!”

Yuuri groaned and let his arm fall onto his face. He must not have understood – he would definitely want to wake up once he realized what was on offer. Victor seized the covers and pulled them off. A full second passed before Yuuri belately tried to grab for them.

“Whyyy?” he whined.

“Because it’s a beautiful morning and I have CLOTHES to show you! They’re fantastic, you’ll definitely want to see them. Wake up, Yuuri!”

Victor took hold of Yuuri’s arm, intending to help him stand up, but Yuuri just moaned and curled into a ball. Victor slipped his arms under Yuuri’s knees and shoulders and picked him up, carrying him to the living room to deposit on the couch. 

Victor tried to place him sitting up, but Yuuri immediately started tipping towards a more horizontal posture. Victor tipped him back up, fortifying his position by placing cushions on either side to wedge him into place. He looked so comfortable that he seemed ready to fall asleep again. _“I’m such a good fiancé,”_ Victor thought. _“Yuuri is so lucky to have me! I’d marry me.”_

Victor stepped into the hallway to collect the bags he’d left there the night before.

“Okay, Yuuri, what do you want to see first?”

Yuuri mumbled something; it was a little incoherent. He probably wanted to see the jacket, so Victor sorted through the bags to get it out. He considered what to match it with – a pair of dark pants, definitely, but which shirt? The paisley one was the right cut, but would the colours go? Probably, and if he added some accessories to tie it all together... His musings were interrupted when he noticed that Yuuri was starting to tip over again. Better not leave the room for too long, he decided, tipping Yuuri back up. He’d show off the clothes by themselves for now. He shoved another pillow into place.

“Yuuri! Look at this jacket!” Victor held it up. 

Yuuri didn’t respond.

“Yuuri!” he repeated, shaking him. “What do you think?”

“What?”

“My new jacket, Yuuri! Do you like it?”

Yuuri opened one eye a crack. “Colours,” he slurred.

“You are so right. I wasn’t sure if you were going to notice how perfectly it goes with my skin tone, but I agree, it makes me glow.” He held it up near his face to demonstrate.

“Mmmmrr,” Yuuri agreed.

“What else do you want to see?” He shook Yuuri again. “Yuuri! What should be next?”

Yuuri blinked once, slowly. He squinted at Victor, still holding the jacket to his face. “Jacket?” he mumbled.

Well, if Yuuri insisted in seeing it on Victor, who was he to deny him? He pulled the paisley shirt out of another bag and went to the bedroom to change. As he suspected, the outfit was incredible; Victor was already planning captions for the many selfies he would post showing off his new clothes. He got dressed, then went to the bedroom mirror to check his hair.

Victor screamed. He tried to grab something for support, but there was nothing in reach, so he toppled to the ground in shock. Yuuri rushed in.

“Victor! Are you all right?”

“No!”

Yuuri looked terrified. “What’s wrong?”

Victor opened his mouth, but words failed him. He gestured helplessly toward his face. His once beautiful face.

Yuuri’s expression turned confused. “Victor … is this about that bruise on your cheek?”

Victor gestured to his face again. Did Yuuri not understand the gravity of the situation?

“Does it hurt a lot?”

“No, it feels fine,” Victor said. Pain, he could deal with. But this... “I can’t post selfies like this!” he lamented. “How am I going to show off my new clothes? I can’t even show off my existing clothes!” He knew he was whining, but the situation was dire. He threw up his hands in exasperation. 

“It’s not even that big,” Yuuri said. “It should be gone in a few days.”

“A few DAYS? The world can’t go that long without all this!” He gestured up and down his body. “This is a disaster! My poor fans! My poor face! What am I going to DO?”

Yuuri put a hand over his mouth, eyes crinkling. He held his composure (mostly) for a only few seconds before dissolving into helpless laughter.

“Victor!” he said between giggles. “I thought you were dying! You woke me up for a _bruise_! A _small_ bruise! And the look on your face…” Yuuri doubled over, unable to finish his sentence.

Victor scowled and crossed his arms. He’d bruised his beautiful face walking into a pole thanks to a picture of Yuuri, and now the real Yuuri was beyond unsympathetic. Every version of Yuuri had betrayed him.

“I’m going back to bed,” Yuuri announced. “I love you, but it is far too early for any of this.”

He retrieved the blankets from the floor where Victor had dropped them and crawled back into bed, still laughing.

–––

Yuuri woke up for the second time at a much more reasonable hour. He grabbed his phone and stumbled out of the bedroom. Victor stood in the bathroom, glaring at the mirror as he dabbed foundation across his cheek. Dozens of containers with different kinds of makeup filled the countertop, with more lined up along the edge of the tub.

“Victor, could I use the bathroom for a minute?” Yuuri asked.

“You’ll have to wait, Yuuri. This is an emergency.” He growled in frustration, grabbing a makeup wipe from a container on top of the toilet tank. He rubbed it over his face and tossed it into the trash, atop at least a dozen others. Yuuri raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, how long have you been in here, Victor?”

Victor pulled out his phone to check the time. “A few hours.” He picked up two bottles of foundation and stared at them appraisingly, seeming to weigh them in his hands before selecting one and putting the other away. His expression was intent. “This shouldn't take much more than another hour. Well, maybe two. No more than three!”

Yuuri took the bottle from Victor’s hand and placed it back on the counter. “Victor, out.” He pointed at the door.

Victor left, pouting. Yuuri ignored him.

When Yuuri got to the kitchen, Victor was retrieving a plate of food from the microwave.

“Yuuri! I made you breakfast! Well, I made you breakfast a few hours ago, but it should still be good. Here!” He put the food in front of Yuuri, who smiled in thanks. Victor beamed and kissed him before heading back to the bathroom to resume his task.

Yuuri turned on his phone and was surprised to see several new notifications that weren’t from Phichit. (In fact, it looked like Phichit hadn’t texted him at all in the last few hours. That was almost unprecedented. Of course, there were times when Phichit didn't text for a while, but as far as Yuuri knew he wasn't currently sleeping, in practice, writing an exam, or on a plane.) Instead, he’d gotten dozens of twitter messages from various fans. He started to read through them.

After the first three messages, Yuuri had to put his phone down. His fans seemed to be really mad at him for … something? He wasn’t clear on what. He struggled to keep his breathing even and wracked his brain to try to figure out what he could have done wrong.

Maybe there was some clue in the rest of the messages? Yuuri picked up his phone, swallowing down panic. He read another few messages, but everyone seemed to just assume he’d know what he’d done. Why was this happening? Yuuri hid his face, phone still clutched in one hand, and didn’t quite manage to stifle a sob.

Moments later, Victor was there, wrapping Yuuri up in his arms. Yuuri leaned into the hug. Breathing seemed a little easier. 

“Yuuri... What’s wrong?” Victor asked, hesitant. He always seemed a bit lost when he tried to comfort Yuuri, but in a strange way that in itself was kind of comforting at this point.

“Everyone is really mad at me, and I don’t know why.”

“I’m sure they’re not that mad at you, it’s probably just–”

Yuuri shook his head and handed Victor his phone, still open to twitter. Victor took a moment to scroll through.

“Wow, you’re actually right for once! These people are really upset! What did you do?”

Yuuri shrugged helplessly and focused on trying not to cry. Victor gave him a one-armed hug, still scrolling.

“Hmm,” Victor said. “I wonder…” He put Yuuri’s phone on the table and reached into his pocket for his own phone.

“Victor, what?”

Victor fiddled with his phone for a moment. “Oh. Hm.”

“Victor, what!?”

“Looks like Phichit deleted the instagram,” Victor said, pouting.

“Well then why are they mad at ME?”

“They’re disappointed. They’re your fans, Yuuri, of course they want to see you.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Plus, they don’t know it was Phichit!”

Yuuri groaned and tipped forward to press his head into the table. Maybe it would swallow him and he wouldn’t have to deal with this. He heard a gentle scrape as Victor moved the plate out of his way before Yuuri buried his face in the eggs.

His thoughts spiralled uselessly. His fans were never going to forgive him. But they weren’t mad at _him_ , really. (Not that they knew that. Should he tell them? No, that wouldn’t help.) He should probably be relieved that this wasn’t his fault, but the thought just made him even more anxious. How was he supposed to fix something that wasn’t his fault? He hadn’t done anything, so there wasn’t anything he could take back or apologize for. The whole situation was unfair. It wasn’t his fault! Why was this happening to him?

With a start, Yuuri realized that he knew exactly why this was happening to him. He sat up straight as his anxiety was abruptly overshadowed by anger.

“This is Phichit’s fault,” Yuuri said, “and he is going to fix it.” He unlocked his phone and hit the button to call Phichit. He stood, squeezing Victor’s hand as he walked past him on his way to the bedroom to make the call.

“Good luck!” Victor encouraged.

Yuuri closed the door and sat on the bed, waiting for Phichit to get the phone. When he still hadn’t answered after three rings, Yuuri started to get concerned. On the fifth ring, Phichit finally picked up.

“Hi, Yuuri,” Phichit’s voice was flatter than Yuuri had ever heard it; he must feel guilty about all the problems he had caused for his friend. (Good. He deserved to, even if he usually never did.) “What’s up?”

“You know very well why I’m upset,” Yuuri said. 

“You found out?” Phichit’s voice went up an octave.

“How did you think I wouldn’t find out! It was pictures of me!”

“Oh god,” Phichit’s panicked breathing was loud enough to be heard over the phone. “I, uh, Yuuri, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, it was an accident, I didn’t mean to–”

“How do you accidentally make and then delete an instagram!?”

Phichit was silent for a long moment. “Yes. That. So that’s … the only thing you’re mad about?”

“I think it’s enough! Unless you’ve been trying to steal my identity in any other ways? ”

“Nope, I definitely have not, and I swear, Yuuri, I _swear to you_ that I never will again. I’ve learned my lesson.” 

Yuuri was startled into silence. He’d never convinced Phichit of anything that easily. Phichit must really feel bad about this. “Listen, I’m sorry for blowing up like that. I didn’t expect you to just agree with me, I thought–”

“No, no, nope, you were right, Yuuri, you were right all along, this whole endeavour was a bad idea. I’m sorry – I’m really, _really_ sorry – that I didn’t realize it sooner.”

“No, it’s okay, I get that you were trying to help, it’s just … now everyone’s mad at me and I don’t know what to do.”

“It’ll blow over. In a few days everyone will have forgotten all about this. That’s how social media works: unless something has a reason to stay relevant, it tends to just fade away.”

“You’re sure?”

“Who do you think you’re talking to? I know what I’m talking about. Just lie low for the next few days and it’ll go away on its own.” Phichit paused, then hummed thoughtfully. “I really am sorry, you know. I didn’t mean to upset your fans.”

“They’re not the only ones who are upset. Aside from the fact that you’ve basically upended my life these last few days, Victor hurt himself because he was distracted looking at photos, and Makkachin nearly startled me and Victor to death.”

“Yeah,” Phichit sounded pensive. “And the instagram apparently destroyed Minami’s kitchen? I’m not exactly clear on what happened there, but he tagged @realkatsukiyuri in it, so I’m assuming it was somehow my fault.”

“You can’t blame yourself for all this. You were just trying to help. You don’t have to worry, I know you meant well – I’m not really mad any more.” Yuuri lay back on the bed. “You know, it’s hard to wrap my head around my fans being so upset. I didn’t think anyone would want to look at my pictures, but I guess people really want to see more of me.”

Phichit made a strangled noise. “Uhhh, I have to go.”

“It’s kind of funny,” Yuuri mused on. “This has caused problems for so many people, and you were sitting in the middle of it, totally unaffected. Nothing went wrong for you at all.”

“Yes,” Phichit’s voice pitched weirdly high again. “Totally unaffected. Nothing went wrong. Gotta go.”

The call disconnected.

–––

Phichit hummed in dismay. Everything had gone so terribly, terribly wrong. 

He went to the hamster cage and collected Tamarind, Pandan, and Pocky to cuddle for support. He considered whether to exile his phone to the back of the cupboard again, but at this point getting up would disturb his hamsters, so he settled on putting it face down at the very end of arm’s reach. He sighed heavily and skritched Pandan’s ears, but it wasn’t enough to settle his shattered nerves. 

The day had started out so well. He woke up, ate breakfast, and updated his instagram, Yuuri’s instagram, the Hamstergram, his official twitter, his personal twitter, and his snapchat story. He checked the dropbox and saw that Victor had uploaded more pictures. Grinning, he clicked through to see what had come in.

He waited impatiently as the thumbnails loaded. The first few seemed to be pictures of breakfast, loading in reverse order from a lovely finished plate back through various stages of cooking. The next ones were harder to make out, dark and blurry. Phichit tapped one open and stared at it, trying to figure out what it was. Victor was usually a better photographer than this. He swiped past it. The next few pictures were more of the same.

All this to say that Phichit was paying _really close attention_ when he swiped to the next picture and was faced with the worst experience of his life.

The next picture was extremely clear and in focus. Its subject was unmistakable. That was Yuuri, and he was naked, and OH GOD WHY– Phichit automatically hit the back button to get away from the picture, but the rest of the thumbnails were loaded now, and there were dozens of tiny Yuuris, all just as– he shrieked and threw his phone across the room. 

When he managed to stop hyperventilating, he edged across the room to check on his phone. It didn’t seem to be broken. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing – if he turned it back on, it would open to the same pictures. He briefly considered leaving it on the floor forever, or better yet, using a pair of tongs to transfer it to the garbage, or maybe just setting it on fire. But he’d just bought this phone, and replacing it wasn’t really an option until his contract ran out. He donned a pair of nitrile gloves from the first aid kit in the bathroom and summoned his courage to pick it up and perform a factory reset.

It didn’t feel like enough, so Phichit stuck the phone in the very back of his closet as punishment for ruining his life. And there was no question that his life was ruined. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw … nope. Nopenopenope. He sat down at his desk and opened his laptop. Maybe pictures of hamsters would help. Anything would be better than … that.

He groaned unhappily when the screen turned on to instagram, logged into @realkatsukiyuri. He’d been so excited about the account just this morning, and now he never wanted to see another picture of Yuuri as long as he lived. Longer. He hovered over the button to close the window, but that didn’t seem like enough either. The decision to make this account had single-handedly ruined his life. He might never be able to look at Yuuri again. 

He clicked through his instagram user settings until he got to the Delete Account page. “Why are you deleting your account?” There wasn’t an option for “I saw my friend’s nudes and now not even hamsters can save me”, so he selected “Other”. He entered his password. “Are you sure you want to delete your account?” Oh, he was sure all right. Very, extremely sure. He hit the button.

After that, he’d spent some time looking at hamsters, cleaned up after breakfast, and went for a run. When Yuuri called, it took Phichit a second to figure out why his cupboard was ringing, but then he dived to retrieve his phone and managed to pick up before Yuuri decided he wasn’t there and went away. Talking to Yuuri had been more than a little awkward, but he couldn’t exactly ignore a call from his best friend – Yuuri would assume the worse, and while Phichit’s life had in fact spiralled into a worst case scenario, it wasn’t a “call the police and/or an ambulance” situation, and Yuuri didn’t deserve to spend his afternoon imagining Phichit in serious peril. This wasn’t Yuuri’s fault.

No, he realized, it wasn’t Yuuri’s fault at all. This was _Victor’s_ fault. Victor was the one who had sent him the world’s most appalling photos. Victor was the one who had completely ruined his entire life. 

Well, maybe not completely. It could still be worse. At least Yuuri didn’t know about all this. If he knew what Phichit had seen, Yuuri would move to another country, change his identity, and never, ever talk to Phichit again. _Ever_. But Yuuri was never going to find out. Phichit would never tell him, and the only other person who knew was– _Oh no_. 

Phichit really didn’t want to talk to Victor right now, but the situation required urgent damage control. He opened his twitter DMs.

**phichit+chu** : YOU HAVE RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE  
**phichit+chu** : Just thought you should know

**v-nikiforov** : oops!!! (Face without Mouth) (Sad Face with Sweat Drop) 

**phichit+chu** : Have you told Yuuri what happened?

**v-nikiforov** : (Grinning Face with Sweat Drop)  what happened????

**phichit+chu** : You can’t tell him  
**phichit+chu** : Yuuri must NEVER KNOW

**v-nikiforov** : i cant keep secrets from yuuri (Wink with Tongue Out) (Shiny Heart) (Kissing Face) (Rose) 

**phichit+chu** : This is for his own good  
**phichit+chu** : Trust me, he’ll be happier this way

**v-nikiforov** : what are we talking about??? (Eyes) 

**phichit+chu** : The PHOTOS, Victor

**v-nikiforov** : are they not uploading right (Fearful Face) (Crying Face) (Loudly Crying Face) 

**phichit+chu** : I wish  
**phichit+chu** : If only.  
**phichit+chu** : No, they uploaded PERFECTLY

**v-nikiforov** : so theres no problem?????? (Face with Halo) (Okay Hand) (Okay Hand) (Checkmark) 

**phichit+chu** : THERE IS A PROBLEM  
**phichit+chu** : The problem being that you sent me–

(Phichit’s fingers faltered on the keyboard. He couldn’t even bring himself to type it.)

**phichit+chu** : The problem being that you sent me photos of him … posing

**v-nikiforov** : you like candids better?? (Surprised Face) (Grinning Face with Sweat Drop) 

**phichit+chu** : No, the photos were–

(“Come on,” he told himself, “you can do this.” He couldn’t do it. He deleted the line and started over.)

**phichit+chu** : Just check your camera roll, Victor.  
**phichit+chu** : …… (Neutral Face) 

**v-nikiforov** : okay??????  
**v-nikiforov** : hey my breakfast pics turned out great!!! (Camera) (Camera) (Coffee) (X) (Frying Pan) (Checkmark) (Checkmark) (Party Popper)   
**v-nikiforov** : i dont see the problem though??? (Grinning Face with Sweat Drop) (Grinning Face with Sweat Drop)  (Eyes) 

**phichit+chu** : THE NAKED PICTURES VICTOR  
**phichit+chu** : YOU SENT ME NAKED PICTURES  
**phichit+chu** : OF YUURI  
**phichit+chu** : NAKED  
**phichit+chu** : I NEED TO SOAK MY EYES IN BLEACH FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS

**v-nikiforov** : oh yeah (Heart Eyes) (Heart Eyes) (Heart Eyes)   
**v-nikiforov** : theyre really good right?? (Kissing Face) (Heart Eyes) (Kiss with Heart) (Kissing Face) (Blushing Kissing Face) (Two Hearts) (Heart)   
**v-nikiforov** : or did you not like the framing? (Disappointed Face) (Anguished Face) 

**phichit+chu** : THE FRAMING WAS FINE

(The framing was perfect, but he wasn’t about to admit that to Victor.)

**phichit+chu** : BUT I’M STILL MAD

**v-nikiforov** : why????????

**phichit+chu** : I can’t believe I have to explain this to you  
**phichit+chu** : You can’t just send people naked pictures of people!

**v-nikiforov** : well obviously you cant just send them to people (Scrunched Eyes) (See-No-Evil Monkey) (See-No-Evil Monkey)   
**v-nikiforov** : but your yuuris best friend  
**v-nikiforov** : so he wont mind (Two Men Holding Hands) (Raised Hands) 

**phichit+chu** : He most definitely will mind!  
**phichit+chu** : And besides, /I/ mind.  
**phichit+chu** : I don’t want to see naked pictures of my friends! Ever!

**v-nikiforov** : so who do you want to see naked pictures of???   
**v-nikiforov** : enemies? strangers? me? (Thinking Face) (Thinking Face) (Thinking Face) 

**phichit+chu** : ANY OF THOSE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER  
**phichit+chu** : Honestly I wish you would have just sent me naked pictures of yourself

(Phichit realized what he’d said a split second after he hit Send. He froze in horror.)

**v-nikiforov** : [image loading]

Phichit shrieked and threw his phone across the room.

–––

Yuuri finished breakfast, then cleaned up his plate and wandered into the living room. Victor looked up from his phone to smile at him and beckon him over for a kiss.

“Whatcha doing?” Yuuri asked.

“Oh, just chatting with Phichit. It’s too bad he took down the instagram.”

“I dunno, it’s probably for the best. It seemed to cause a lot of trouble.”

“I’ll say. It took me four hours to cover up my bruise, and I’m still just not glowing the way I usually do.”

Yuuri laughed fondly. “You look great, Victor.”

“Should I show you my new clothes now?”

“Yeah, sure. Let’s have a fashion show.” 

Victor leapt up and started sorting through his various bags. Yuuri settled onto the couch, tucking his legs under him and smiling as he watched his fiancé. It had been a crazy few days, but Phichit was right, it would all blow over soon enough. For now, he was just glad he didn't need to worry about the instagram anymore. His life could start getting back to normal. Yuuri clapped appreciatively as Victor held up a cashmere sweater. Yep, things were going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! (Let us know if you liked it, we love comments more than anything!)
> 
>  
> 
> **Headcanons / facts that we couldn't include in the main story:**
> 
>  
> 
> \- Victor was able to send Phichit a dropbox folder of photos immediately because he already had it ready. He wasn't sure what he was going to suddenly need thousands of pictures of Yuuri for, but he was very sure that at some point he would, and by god he planned to be prepared.
> 
> \- 30,000 rubles is approximated $500 USD. Note that Victor is only forbidden from buying Yuuri the things on the list _spontaneously_ \- the deal was, Victor can still get Yuuri ridiculously expensive presents for, say, his birthday, just not on a random whim.
> 
> \- the poster in Minami's kitchen is [this one](https://78.media.tumblr.com/93631b044401f75379366495a7d51301/tumblr_p7kecuD5Aw1wklcuuo1_400.png) of Yuuri in his Eros costume. His parents agreed to let Minami put it up in return for him doing more dishes - the speech bubble says "Please wash your dishes". Minami's parents didn't know _which_ poster he had in mind at the time, and then it was too late because they'd already agreed. (Plus, they REALLY want those dishes done.)
> 
> \- Victor has failed to refill the coffee before, so Yuuri has a secret bag of coffee that he hides behind his video games for just this kind of occasion. This is a significant contribution to his positive attitude in the last scene. Victor knows that he has secret coffee somewhere, but hasn't managed to find it yet. (Also, Victor sometimes just straight up doesn't notice that Yuuri magically has coffee somehow.)


End file.
